pick your poison

I am ridiculously sensitive to medications. It could be a fibromyalgia or a POTS thing, or possibly it's just a me thing. Whatever it is, it makes my life even harder than it has to be. With 5 chronic health issues, medication is unavoidable. Unfortunately for me, the side effects to these meds are consistently unbearable. For one, the only medication that lessens the pain of my tenosynovitis prevents me from sleeping whatsoever. The only thing that gives me energy gives me a horrible sense of anxiety. The rarest side effects always seem to affect me, even if every doctor promises that they won't.

It's all experimental, and it's awful. I find myself having to make choices constantly. It's an inevitable part of living with chronic illness. Little things like eating a piece of toast can become life changing. It's no longer a question of, "do I want to feel bad?" No matter what decisions I make, odds are I won't feel well. Instead, I ask myself, "how negatively do I want to be affected?" When cracking open the pill bottles each morning, questions race through my head. "Would I rather be twice as dizzy, or feel like a zombie? Is good memory and focus worth days on end of the worst pain I can imagine?" Having to pick from an endless list of debilitating symptoms and side effects all the time is brutal. And, I'm not all that decisive as it is, which doesn't exactly help.

Recently, I had to stop receiving IVIG treatments. I started them in an attempt to treat my POTS, because nothing else had worked. Almost exactly one year ago, a great neurologist brought it up to my mother and I during a consult. It seemed risky, potentially painful, and results were questionable. Still, I poured what I assumed to be my last bits of hope into them. The first round, there was a slight positive change after a bad reaction that changed the way I look at the world. I kept going. Sure enough, round two went great, and for a little over a month, I felt almost like me again. Sadly, after round three, IVIG stopped working and only made me sicker. We're not sure where to go from here. Though I don't always let it show, having to make the choice to stop IVIG killed me inside. I've written about IVIG more in depth, and I plan on continuing to.

The harsh reality of it is, there is often no definitive answer when it comes to treating chronic illness. There rarely is a magic pill to swallow each morning that alleviates all symptoms. I can't have an operation and feel better after a little recovery time. And, before you bring it up, no, yoga isn't going to heal me! Though I can always hope, I haven't found my miracle fix yet. Maybe, the miracle is that I'm coping without one. For the time being, I'll have to make due with that I've got, which is drinking gallons of water, picking my poisons, and remaining as patient as I possibly can.

#sensitive #fibromyalgia #POTS #medication