an open letter to those i left behind

There is a reason you are no longer by my side. Whether choices were made, or the options were stolen from under our noses; we went our separate ways. I fought so hard to rid my mind and soul of you, but for me, it was life or death. You can’t understand that, no matter how much I try to explain. You’ve got time and energy that I lack, it's that simple. Your lack of empathy for that is not my responsibility, and I’ve run out of the patience I need to keep pretending that it is.

To some degree, I always knew one of us was going to have to walk away. It was probably due to the sensation that you were constantly emotionally absent. I didn’t admit it for so long, but your closed off, self-centered ways have been a weight on my shoulders since before I even knew you. I should’ve trusted myself then. Now I know that it was far beyond my trust issues that made me want to stay distant; it was instinct. Since we’ve parted, there’s been a certain lightness all around me. It feels like the absence of something, like open air. I’m in love with it. I feel an empty space by my side, but it feels great to have room to stretch and grow. Call me claustrophobic.

I know your headspace better than I’d like to think, and I know that my circumstances have the capability to crowd up one’s skull. There is problem after problem in my life, and it’s a difficult thing to process. But I had to. I had to push, and force myself to make at least a little bit of sense out of my messy life. After all, it is my life. I am my only option, I’m stuck with me. You, however, are not. You aren’t the one struggling for my breaths. I am. While I cannot blame you for not understanding exactly how I see things, I can and will hold you accountable for not listening to a single word I have to say.

I told you all the things that almost killed me, thinking you’d want to try to save me from them. Instead, you tried to mimic them. You turned the battle scars that I’d finally learned to love into something to ignore, and then, into something to laugh about. I shouldn’t have to tell you how wrong that is. Despite my initial impression, I entrusted my energy in you; and, I did so in confidence. I say goodbye to you now with the same conviction.

I am proud to say I have learned. I hope and pray that, one day, you do too.

#abandonment #isolation