mobility

I had to start walking with a cane when I was 12. At home, I didn't mind it. But every time I had to walk through my front door and go out in the world with it, my teeth were clenched. The pitiful stares were only the beginning. The cutting suggestions were what bothered me the most. "Have you tried yoga? Oh, you're far too young to be dependent on a cane! You must not really need it." It's as if people expected me to simply will my arthritis and fibromyalgia away, because clearly, it's that simple. I looked fine, so people assumed my condition wasn't as severe as I made it out to be.

The spring after my relapse, I was invited to an old friend's birthday party. I worked really hard to go; I did my hair, took my pain meds, put on my braces, and was ready to roll. Upon my arrival, a bully disguised as an ally greeted me at the door. Girls I'd grown up knowing as my friends ended up being cowards. The cautious looks and pretentious questions would have been enough. But no, a few girls had to take my cane right out from under me and pass it around, pretending to be an old man. I laughed along at first, but then they wouldn't give it back. This happened twice. The second time around, one of them jumped on top of my back to get it from me. Later on, my childhood best friend asked me if I was okay. It seemed like she hadn't seen what had happened. "I'm fine, just tired and in a lot of pain," I only half lied. I don't think I ever told her what really happened.

I just got my first wheelchair the other day. Some doctors are worried that I'll grow dependent to it, and think I should "throw it in the trash as soon as I stop needing it." Because, obviously, there is no such thing as relapse! It's already beginning to scare people away, too. I can't tell if it's out of concern for me or if it's because seeing someone so healthy looking using a mobility tool alarms people. Either way, I'm glad to have it and it's helping me get around much easier. If I pass out, there's less of a fall risk. And, I can do more things around the house without getting as tired. I'm preserving myself and finding new ways to move forward. That's not something to feel weird about, or ashamed of. That's something to be proud of.

There are always going to be things trying to hold me back, and I shouldn't feel uncomfortable for finding new ways to move past them. Moving slowly is still moving.

#invisibleillness #medicalmalpractice #trauma #accesibility #ableism #gaslighting #bullying #relationships